Sunday, February 01, 2009
I think I always have to answer these questions everyday:1.Am I thinking/saying/doing the right thing?
2. After (whatever) has happened - Am I still trusting God?
So disappointment hits and weighs down your emotions and your mind and then we sink into doubt and inferiority and jealousy.
But then i'm glad i'm not crying
Because I'm also glad that slowly I'm learning how to be happy for others.
As I've learnt, it's a Shadrach Meshach and Abednego thing.
Win - Praise God, Lose - Praise God
But it's very hard to think so especially since i'm believing in myself less and less.
That was what i was thinking two days ago. And i don't know why i lied about the crying. All through Sunday the tears kept coming. even when i was in church and at the slightest provocation.
I'm glad i'm better now! Sunday's sermon was on failure. Coping with it and entrusting things to God.
Hebrews 7:25 (New International Version)
25Therefore he is able to save completely[a] those who come to God through him, because He always lives to intercede for them.
and, I learned on Sunday that Prayer helped Jesus and will help us endure the perfect but painful will of God.
Philippians 2:12-18 (New International Version)
Shining as Stars
12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,
13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out[a] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.
so today, i realized that in in three days i have come across 'shine like stars in the universe' twice. and God will help us and give us the heart and willl to comply and obey and know more about Him. which is great because i'm so weak and i've known this for very long.
so many thoughts! today i felt this fear that i wasn't doing what I'm supposed to.that i need to hunger and be more conscientious in what i choose to do that eventually i am praying in the Spirit and obeying God and understanding more. that i waste time too much.
which is really important because i want to shine like a star in the universe! i don't want to be ordinary and i don't want anythingother than God's best because i don't want to just plod through life trying to survive and find meaning occasionally when i get a break. to merely go through the stages which are necessary. i haven't set any goals yet.but this period,this interlude is too important and big and potentially life-changing that i'm not so clear what i want to do other than for it to be meaningful.
but what defines meaningful?
i wish i could discover more and learn more about and for myself. so it'll become clearer what i should choose to do everyday, every second of the day. if i can go through long stretches of a day not talking to anyone but existing on my own does that mean i prefer solitude? yet i wish i could relate to others more. to be more extroverted and chat with anybody and everybody instantly. to always have company. contrary to what i thought of myself this isn't easy at all. i can't maintain any interpersonal relationship very well. i look back at how i behaved in cross-country. and it's no use envying anyone or anything .i wasn't as motivated as the others.
there's also the driving instructor thing. it's either him that's weird or i'm too unnatural in how i interact with others that he ends up thinking i don't want to talk to him at all. but it always boils down to this because too often i find myself hoping i don't see anyone i know when i go out.
and aiwen said i was friendly. and that i've always been friendly.
i don't know what to think about myself at all.
CANDICE! â¥
12:00 AM
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