Friday, October 31, 2008
However you choose to look at it
Today was the beginning of the end, or just the start(which mean the end isn't coming till very long after) or that it really means the End. Irrevocably, undeniably the End of my life as a uniform-wearing student.
Oddly,as I was telling my friends : we exchanged 2 years of our life for 3 hours
And as it kicked in tonight I realised that part of me feels bitter because there's so much more than I can (but not necessarily want to) do with regard to the notes I painstakingly compiled and studied(or so I perceive it) for southeast asian history! That is wholly and overwhelmingly sad. I do think that I did my best and God would do whatever else is needed for my paper, regardless of the fact that my last essay didn't have a conclusion-but it's okay!
Pre-exam, pre-A levels , post-exam, I feel really peaceful and steady, and I firmly believe it is from God! Because the teachers, in order to scare us into improving our handwriting overnight tell us stories about how the Cambridge examiners are going to be cold, grumpy and probably less objective markers. In that alone there are so many unforeseeable circumstances. Could my unknown, anonymous marker penalise me for my contorted letters/my choice of a black ballpoint pen/letters of varying sizes and styles? Whose paper would he or she mark first? Would he or she even be marginally objective? This is why this exam period is, more than anything, God's work.
Maybe they should have graded my notes. I would have felt happier agonising over the format and spelling and punctuation and grammar and presentation.
But that is probably unrealistic.
Thankfully, although I am unfortunately dealing with a queer, big headache now I feel thankful that this end is beginning for me! Can't wait for all the fun to start immediately after P1 ends on 14November:D
Maybe I'll just have to learn to let go. And, look forward to a new period of learning! Although deep inside me there's still a little uncertainty over the end result. If I'll feel happy or anguished over miserable prospects for my results.but, as always, Let Go and Let God! :D
This morning I was just thinking over my entire schooling life. Notably in P3, I struggled with and cried over my inability to handle fractions. In P5 there was this stupid and messy episode regarding the schoolbully. In P4, I am still confounded as to why I spend a large part of my holiday being consumed with worry and terror over this piece of homework that I forgot to hand up. And which in the end, didn't even matter. In P2 I made a big transition into a new school. In P6, I found out from my diary that I found the math paper hard! Through all these trials and tribulations I emerged 5th in school,overall. Then came RGS. I wanted to, but never became a class chairperson/prefect. Horrible results in Sec 1 and 2. I remember coming home once, after a post-exam celebration with my primary school friends in sec 2 and finding my parents, sombre and sullen, angry over my GPA. Another tribulation: complicated, tumultuous RS project. Leaving a clique. Then things eventually turned out really well. I joined PSB! And gained a whole arsenal of confidence,friends and memories and love that will always stay with me. And eventually, graduating with a Raffles Top Scholar Award.
But that didn't come with a whole lot of prayer and work and more prayer before and after the paper. So God works wonders. And in spite of the fact that the 18 year old me has a lot more to contend with, a lot more negative influences, a lot more things to mull over, a lot more obstacles, I must and will continue believing that God has a wonderful plan for me! That ultimately, although I have to wait an agonisingly long time for my results to come, it'll be something good. I really do hope for a stellar list of As because it'll make my parents and God proud! And that I may go places. Not in the high-flying, pockets overflowing with cash sense, but the ability to change or to inspire or just to be where I'm needed.
Hence I really can't wait for the unforeseeable future.
And the odd thing is that, I find myself nowdays looking out of my window wistfully, wishing for a chance to go bungee jumping or skydiving. My subconscious self must be really bored.
