Saturday, May 17, 2008
so many things have happened but our God is good!
i got on the deans' list. and even though GP is not really a good gauge of my academic skills because i studied hard for the other topics and i didn't study as hard for GP, God's blessings are still good! because i can't really remember how, but i know something either in the passage or the compo called for some information that i found out beforehand which must definitely be a clue from God!
started volunteering. i don't think the boy hates me, he hates work and assessment books i can't blame him, but i feel a lot of anguish because i was all ready to mentor him and develop him into a brainiac who will be better than i ever will be and he just refused flat out. then again, there are many reasons why this is not realistic. but in any case i hope one day he'll want my help again.
the next day i was thinking about this whole event, sitting crosslegged on the parade square before morning assembly - it's a really nice thing to do because the sky above is pretty and the wind is really comforting! which goes to say whatever is above and whatever is around rj is so much nicer than whatever is IN rj. i'm sorry for being cynical but as days pass i realise that i don't like rj that much. i like some of the people, because in my eyes they are not associated with rj they're my friends! yes and so back to the topic i was thinking that the boy's rejection of my help is like God trying all ways and means to save us and help us and make us happy but we eventually let our desires supercede all that was meant for us, to make us genuinely happy.
i think pms is setting in - because i've been brooding a lot and i come to realise one major innate flaw in me that i don't really like at all. i've realised i need a lot of affirmation. maybe all humans do. but i only find solace and self-esteem in it. my friends think i think very positively of myself already. that's just me trying to be funny! people who blow their own horns are funny. people who make puns are not. i don't know. this whole thing is like some paradox. as much as i propound individualism and self-belief i wish i am always in the middle. in the middle of people like one of their own instead of being on the sidelines. that is not to say i don't have friends but maybe because whatever they have to say is negative and can be classified as gossip, of which i truthfully will have none to offer and maybe because i truthfully won't comment further after they say anything derogatory about someone that they think they shouldn't tell me such stuff anyway. maybe,i should be happy about this. so i should be appreciative of my few close friends who engage in more weighty meaningful issues with me.
i don't know. but it's human to want to be liked by everyone right? at least in primary school.
back to the bigger badder world again. my mum thinks the end times are coming soon because of all the death and destruction. and i think such events have always plagued our world since time immemorial but the thing is, such events are hitting us one after another. should we all be concerned if the world is ending soon?at least i think i should because other than studying i haven't done anything particularly meaningful. this was especially illuminated by the third act of Our Town which i found to be a very interesting experience (and Joshua was very cool even though he doesn't think so. X.X) anyway death comes. and i'm ashamed of the fact that i've only shared the gospel with one, two people? and haven't done so for a very long time and God please help me!
it's nice to anchor your life to God because He's always there and though i wish for more love in the human, physical form I still know God's love is bigger greater and more perfect. because i keep hankering after things that i know won't happen. like the very cute boy in track. i'm not really head over heels infatuated. i haven't lost my head but the boy is very cute! and it's my way of entertaining myself and michelle. HAHA
sometimes, just sometimes i wish friends didn't have to be shared. i don't know how i'd feel about being somebody's friend only. but that would mean i'm very valued! maybe in life we're meant to connect to lots of people.
sometimes i wish i was the only one who wants to be a psychologist. because i haven't met anyone with as much fervour and direction for the future particularly in psychology (that isn't really qualified of me as well, because i am not a very passionate person) but i think it all boils down to the fact that i wish i was special. though i know we all are unique but i want to be more special than others!
maybe it'll work if i believe that i'm special.
okay off to make myself look special now i'm meeting the very special priscilla at a special place - chinatown! i bet we'll be the only 18 year olds for miles around but its okay, tangyuan knows no boundaries.
CANDICE! â¥
9:41 AM
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