Thursday, April 24, 2008
this must and will be fast because i promised myself and God not to slack
but i think a little bit of expositionary writing and self-discovery won't hurt.
and i'm sick of always seeing the same old post on my blog so
all the boys say it but i will echo it again: life is very tough!
and i think it's such a drudge now because i'm not at the top of the game, if life can be likened to one long arduous competitive unenjoyable game.
apparently my brother thinks so too. he has very interesting expressions but anyway
what am i to do!
i know for a fact that all my stress and negativities arise from the truth that i expect a lot from myself (oh no rgs what did you do to me! X( ) and then everybody thinks i'm fine and dandy and well-adjusted and intelligent and focused, which isn't really true.
and then i think i give a lot of encouragement, nobody really comes to me to say you can do it! etc etc.
but it's okay we can't all expect to be on the receiving end.
it's not like i'm at the end of my tether.
and it might be pms but i'm getting really weary of people. all sorts of people. people who pretend to like you people who pretend to be nice people who are not sensible people who are rude people who are over-dependable people who can't be depended upon but expect to depend on you people who don't care to understand people who are insensitive
maybe once i get around to studying psychology i'll understand people better and i'll know why we humans have so many inconsistensies and idiosyncracies.
the world might change a lot if people stopped being so judgmental and rigid in how they perceive others! a couple of weeks ago this mother and her two primary school children boarded 156 and sat next to me. and immediately i thought wow this woman must be the female version of the rag and bone man because she was carrying a humongous big bag and holding a few scrunched up newspapers. then she started talking to her children. and then i thought oh, she's a mother. and she took her daughter's colossal schoolbag(why, after all the numerous letters written to the forum has no action been taken regarding the sheer size of primary school students' bags or do they not care about packing it?) from her and i thought: nice mother! and then she started asking her (very very cute) son about his tingxie. very specific questions! like did you remember how to write xiang4! so i thought X.X the common pressurising, hung up over results kind of mother. but later on as she read newspaper articles to her son and told him that she would give him a chicken nugget if he could summarise an article on carnivorous plants for her and also from her actions like promising to tape doctor doolittle 2 for her kids i realised - all mothers are worth admiring. and that i was very wrong to typecast her as the insensitive results-driven oppressive mother. because it was very evident that she loved her children.
then again, i don't really aspire to be the very firm on results kind of mother.
on account of the misery it is bringing me now.
i tried a few times to make myself cry so that i can release all the pent up frustration and stress in me which is due to my incomprehensible propensity to slack and particularly, to fall asleep.
:(
and people who read this might be shocked and go :o is that really candice! but nobody really understands.
but maybe i should applaud myself. on my moral fibre! in not breaking down yet and not trying to find out what the test questions for economics are. even though i unintentionally heard what the first and second question is about. even though God is unseen He still is my comfort my Rock and the best friend I yearn for but haven't really found.
oh and i should applaud myself on the length of this post. i've realized my innate talent to pontificate but i wonder what career requires such a talent.
:(
i need econs tuition.
and for once, i wish i didn't have to rely on myself and that i stop getting infatuated so easily.
CANDICE! â¥
11:28 PM
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