Monday, December 17, 2007
i think if i were to sum up my holidays in one word it'd be:
Misery.
with a capital M.
and i'm above youth who foolishly and superficially try to be emo so i'm not.
this is from my heart. then again if lame teachers try to chat us up next year and try to get to know us or whatever shit by asking us to describe our holidays i definitely wont be saying i went through Misery because the last time i used an unconventional word no one understood anyway.
the point is, no one understands. no one tries to understand. no one cares about understanding me.
time goes past so cruelly. in all these time i've wasted i continually try to find one single redeeming activity of the day to prove that i didn't waste my day but it's very hard.
do i want to be so sorrowful? no. but it's also getting very hard trying to keep myself from crying and maintaining a stolid expression. it's also very hard trying to understand others when they're not even planning to reciprocate. it's equally hard, or harder knowing i'll be eighteen next year. i don't want to be eighteen. it isn't going to be Awesome nor Amazing, it's going to be Atrociously Awful.
this really seems angsty and immature to me but i don't care because i don't want to be the one people depend on, i want to depend on others for a change! and not always be the one like in primary/secondary school project groups who would call for meetings and whatever shit. i am true friend-less and completely unhappy!
actually i think God is trying to tell me something. like sunday's sermon was on Joseph and yesterday for qt i started on phillipians, which was a series of letters from Paul while he was in jail! seeing how Joseph had had many more insurmountable hardships and things that didnt go his way at all and how Paul was imprisoned but still found the joy in him to face things cheerfully and even minister to jail guards makes me think i'm a seriously unworthy and spoilt and immature and shallow person.
at least i got my pay yesterday. i wish every day i lived had a return policy attached to it. like if i find my day unsatisfactory i could return it for another one at some ikea/carrefour counter. then, i would do it for everyday of the holidays. cos they sucked! but though i am bubbling over with discontent what i do have in ample quantities is faith - that though my life doesn;t make sense at all now God has some bigger plan for me in which i would have satisfactory days. the thing is, i really wish i knew what that plan was.
